Resident Suvivor
by Dead-Hunter
Summary: This is a fixed version of my Resident Survivor story. Rated R for violence, gore, language, and sexual themes. Please R&R. i need reveiws
1. Prologue

Resident Survivor: A humor/action/adventure that just isn't about a Survivor Spoof

A/N: I do not own Resident Evil or any of its characters. If I did than I would be rich. So here is the story

Prologue:

Cue Tribal Music...

Wesker: Good evening folks and I'm Albert Wesker your host of

Audience: Resident Survivor!

Wesker: that's right! Last week you saw all of the Final fantasy characters stranded on an island, and you all saw some of them get ripped apart, decapitated, impaled, raped, Michel Jackson'd...

Alfred from no-where: Michel if you're watching this... Call me!

Michel Jackson: Sure will hunny buns. I love you Alfred you're so hot!

Wesker pulls out killer 7 and blow Michel Jackson's head off

Stephen Hawkyns: How did you do that...? Jack-son was in his house. And you shot him some-how...

Wesker: don't question Wesker bitch, pulls out nerd rifle and blows Hawkins to oblivion.

Meanwhile in Oblivion

Dremora Fred: Hey Joe

Dremora Joe: Yes Fred

Dremora Fred: I love you...

Dremora Joe: Wow that was so sudden

Suddenly Hawkyns crashes through the sigil gate and mauls Joe with his wheel chair.

Dremora Fred: No Joe. Why'd you have to die so young and sexy?

Hawkyns begins to sing

Hawkyns: There is more to life than love. Some-times you have to experience getting an extension cord shoved up your ass. And when you begin to get electrocuted. People say. What the fuck was he doing...?

Dremora Fred pulls out a daedric rocket launcher and obliterates Stephen Hawkyns.

Hawkyns before dying: I'll be back!

Wesker who attached a camera to the round that killed Stephen saw the whole thing and so did the audience and NASA.

Wesker: oh shit NASA's gonna be pissed. Anyway now back to the show. Before we start Resident survivor does any one have any questions.

Leon: Um W- Wesker. Do you have any other guns besides the nerd gun?

Wesker: Why yes Leon in fact I do. I have the anti pervert gun!

Wesker shoots at Leon...

Leon: NOOOOOOOOOO...

Bullet continues forward

Leon now eating a hot dog: OOOOOOOOO

Forward more

Leon having sex with Claire: OOOO!

The bullet hits Leon but doesn't kill him.

Leon: Wesker what exactly was that supposed to do?

Wesker smiling evilly: Look down

Leon does and finds that his penis shrank from three inches to two

Leon: NOOOOOOO!

A/N: Well that's the prologue. Though I wouldn't exactly call it a prologue. The real story takes place during the survivor events and doesn't take place on an island. I'm leaving it to reviewers to review, of course, and give me a location in which the group should stay at. Also later I will need someone to give me one guest character from any game, movie, ect. If you hate this story tell me... If you can think of ways to improve it tell me. Thank you for R&R.

PS: I know this wasn't exactly funny but it'll get better.


	2. Chapter 1: Rachel and Quint

Chapter 1: Rachel

Cue tribal music…

Wesker: Hello folks it's me everyone's favorite bad guy Albert Wesker!

Audience claps and random people blurt things out

Audience Person: Wesker I love you!

Wesker: Yes thank you now why don't you do something like be my slave, silently laughs to himself

Audience Person jumps down and introduces herself…

Audience Person: HI! I'm Rachel! I'll do anything that you want.

Wesker almost jumping at the though of anything gives Rachel her orders.

Wesker: Yeah kill yourself!

Rachel: Anything pulls out a signature signed Killer 7.

Wesker: I didn't remember signing anything!

Dead-Hunter descends and waves his hand trying a Jedi mind trick.

Dead-Hunter: You signed that gun…

Wesker: No, I didn't!

Dead-Hunter: Yes you did… this is not the dog you are looking for Santa.

Wesker: Holy shit the guy put a Jedi mind trick on himself…

Dead-Hunter: Hi my names Wesker whats yours

Wesker pull out Rachel's Killer 7 and kills me. But I'll be back. With weapons!

Wesker: Riiight, anyway back to the show.

Wesker turned to see Rachel almost hovering over him.

Wesker: What the fuck do you want!

Rachel just smiles and stares.

Rachel: Wesker can I be your co-host.

Wesker: Sure you are cute and….

Audience Gasp and a CNN reporter stands up

CNN reporter: Tonight's story, Wesker has a soft side.

Rachel and Wesker together: Shut the fuck up bitch!

They both fire their Killer 7s and kill the CNN reporter.

Wesker: I think I'm in love.

Audience Awes

This is where shit gets weird

Nemesis: JAWS!

Wesker: Nemesis why the fuck are you talking about jaws?

Nemesis: Because it's my hero Captain Quint from JAWS!

Captain Quint who met his demise at Jaws' teeth jumps through a window.

Quint then sings his signature song. You know the one that goes farewell a module (or something like that) No? Watch the movie if you haven't. If you haven't you suck!

Nemesis: I'm ready skipper, pulls out a rocket launcher

Quint: What are ye? Some sort of half ass astronaut!

Nemesis sulks and walks away to return with a harpoon gun

Quint: That be proper sea-worthy material.

Nemesis, Quint, and a sheriff all go out to get on Quints boat the Dolphin Xtreme! The boat explodes from extreme acoustics and the three land on Quints old boat the Orca.

Wesker and Rachel: mmk

Wesker: Now to introduce eighteen of the twenty contestants.

But that'll be right after the break


	3. Chapter 2: I'll get to all of the contes

Chapter 2: Meet the Fuckers

Cue heavy metal music

Wesker: hi I'm Albert Wesker and despite the fact that I'm in love I'm still a fucking bad-ass!

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Wood.

Wesker: Today we are simply letting you see the contestants.

Rachel: and for those who don't know two lucky viewers will get to add a character from any movie, video game, book, etc

Nemesis, Quint, and the sheriff come in carrying a large bag.

Rachel: Did you kill JAWS!

Nemesis: Stop mocking me I am actually very sophisticated.

Rachel: Oh… W

Nemesis: And besides… I'm not the one who acts like Regis and Kelly, always finishing each other sentences.

Rachel: Sorry… well did you kill JAWS!

Sheriff who happens to be on crack: Hgidhgidhgidh

Wesker: What the fuck are you doing!

Nemesis: We would have caught JAWS! But the sheriff thought that JAWS! Was trying to knife him and take his pink pony collection from his leprechaun vault.

Wesker: Riiight, Wesker say backing away reaching for his shotgun, in other words?

Nemesis: He threw a hand-grenade in its mouth and said something like smile you son of a HASTA LUEGO.

Rachel: Ok. That's nice. Nemesis please escorts sheriff to the mental ward.

Sherriff: what I'm not going back OZ! REMEMBER OZ!

The audience shudders at the slight mention of the name

Wesker: Ok our first contestant is Ada Wong. Ada though it hasn't been mentioned do you know what the prize is for winning cue metal music… Resident Survivor!

Nemesis: JAWS!

Wesker: No. Its 1.5635 million dollars and the chance to become the main character of Capcoms next Resident Evil game…

Ada: Why 1.5635 million and not just 2 million?

Wesker: It is all to common these days to see things like 1 million dollars. And I have one word taxes.

Audience: Amen brother!

Ada: I 1.563…

Wesker: Actually, I lied the prize is the chance to get in as the star of Resident Evils next major game.

Ada: Oh. I want to be in the next game because I feel that Asian women don't have enough rights to being main characters.

Wesker: That's not why it is.

Ada: No actually I won't to be in the next RE game so that I can kick Krausers and Leons ass again and again and they can't do anything about it.

Wesker: Yay unnecessary violence. Good choice.

Rachel: Next up we have the little dude with a big personality its Ramon Salazar.

Audience: Awww that's very nice but very untrue.

Rachel: So Salazar why do you want to be in the next RE game?

Salazar: Seriously Rachel you're a brunet and you act like a blonde. Why the fuck would anyone bother to ask why I wanted to be in the next RE game.

Rachel: Its part of my contract. Every time I ask a stupid ass question I get five dollars.

Salazar: Oh yeah I'll give you a Euro to shut the fuck up!

Rachel sadly: Ok. Next up we have the guy who many would call the hero of Resident Evil it's Chris Redfield.

Wesker: damn I haven't talked in a while.

Chris: Hey what happens when a character is of screen for a while?

Wesker speaking subliminally: dick… good question asshole… here I'll show you through this video ass face…

Every turns to a giant TV. The commentary begins to play starting with a gay rap tune.

Voice: ever wonder what fanfic characters do off screen?

Salazar: No why else would we be watching this pathetic piece of shit Wesker's movie.

Everyone except Salazar: That voice so familiar…

Salazar: No shit its Wesker's voice doing the commentary.

Voice: fanfic characters have been documented doing such things as eating, sleeping, reading… the voice continues with everything from having sex to brushing horses anal hair

Salazar smacking himself in the head couldn't help but blurt out what he had to say.

Salazar: What the fuck! This is what every fucking person does pretty much every day! I'm gonna kill my self by the end of this chapter or maybe, eyeing Rachel, someone else.

Muwhahahahahahahaha gags and passes out from loss of major body fluids.

Well there the first and second chapters, what do you think. Please review even if you only have shitty stuff to say. Remember I need a place for the Survivor part of the story to take place and I need two guest characters from any movie, games, books, etc… Also tell me if you want Rachel to die or not. If so why. If not why.


End file.
